Eleven

I went to Ben's parent's house today, to see Ben and Ajax, to see how they're doing. It's been about a month since Ben got out of the hospital. Ajax is doing pretty good, all things considered. I'm sad to report that he's a little afraid of his dad, who is still prone to outbursts aimed at people who are no longer with us. But he's getting along great with Ben's parents, and even with me, which is refreshing.

About Ben... he's got good days and bad days, but unfortunately, on the good days, he's usually got to go to the hospital for something, whether it's car crash or cancer related. He decided to go for chemo treatment as soon as he is fit enough. I didn't think he would. I thought he would spiral into depression with all that happened. Especially with how he behaved at Izzy's funeral. But I can't really bring myself to talk about that yet. Maybe later on.

I remember why I started this record, because of how in love Ben and Agnes were, but I came across a note Ben had written, I think it was in the box of stuff from the crash that his dad handed him shortly after he got out of the hospital. I felt bad for reading his private stuff, but he didn't protest. He wasn't really present yet.

It read:

"I was looking into the toilet today, it seems that's the window into my soul. My kids... I'm a crappy father, but I love them. My parenthood is a mixture of desperately trying not to be a terrible father, peppered with occasional moments where I get it right, but those moments seem to make it all worthwhile. I'm racked with guilt with how I treat the kids, how they love their mom way more than me. There are times when I want to shudder, roll my eyes back and pull out my hair and keep pulling it out and pulling it out... My thoughts get pretty dark at night, but I try to keep to myself. I... can't let her into this. Agnes wouldn't understand. She's perfect, she can't understand how twisted and broken I am, how my heart and soul are just a melted blob of cold, dirty lead inside me. It's that need I have, to be loved by the kids I love so much, to try to please the wife I treasure, it's because of them that I simultaneously want to end my life, and want to keep trying to live it. I try to fill the ache with stuff I buy, things I watch, alcohol, but it just turns into a landfill, and brings me further and further and further... down. It's out of my hands now. Now I mostly hide, cowardly. Craig wants to write about how in love we are, how perfect we have it, but he has no idea or insight. That's who I was, but I'm dying inside now. Where did I go wrong?"

It was dated shortly before I started interviewing them.

Ten

Ben's mom Marie called me pretty late. I've only ever spoken to her twice, once at their wedding and right now.

CS: Hello

MR: Yes hello. Is this Craig?

CS: Yes it is.

MR: Would you be able to come to the hospital? There's been an accident.

CS: Is everything ok? Is someone hurt?

This woman, basically speaking with a stranger, seemed so reserved prior to this moment. She must have been dealt more than she could bear. Her voice was saturated with it. Every syllable dripped with sadness. She simply said,

MR: Please, I think you should just come.

CS: I'll be right there.

I hung up the phone. Something washed over me. I saw Izzy and Ajax, and felt a sacrificial love for them that I can't explain. Their lot in life has been so difficult lately.

When I located the wing of the hospital Ben was on, I came across his parents. His mom was holding a very tired Ajax. He must have been exhausted. Poor guy looked all cried out.

Ben's dad Steven put his hand on my shoulder.

SR: Craig, there's been an accident. Ben was driving drunk we think, and ran into someone. He's had a brain injury. He just fell asleep, he's been in and out since we got here.

CS: Oh no.

SR: That's not all Craig.

He sighed, looking down.

CS: Is the other driver ok?

SR: Yes, she managed to be unhurt, thank goodness.

Ben must have woke up again. He was shouting. It caught me way off guard.

BR: Izzy! Izzy!

I heard a commotion. What was he doing? I had to check. To make sure he wasn't hurting himself or scaring Izzy.

BR: Izzy, get down from there right now!

What on earth?

I looked in his room. He was lying down and was surrounded by machines and wires and tubes. Some serious nurses were beside him. His head was bandaged and he had not been cleaned since the crash, as he still had some blood on his face and arms.

I felt like taking charge and spoke to his father.

CS: We should get Izzy out of there. This is too much for her.

SR: Craig... She's not in there...

Something inside me became ajar. Something was not right about this. I felt anxious and a little nauseous. They weren't talking. What were they waiting for?

SR: She.. was in the back ... seat. She's...

My heart sank and my stomach felt like I was falling.

CS: Is she in this hospital or the childrens?

I looked at Ben's parents. They were both looking at me, the sadness in their eyes... I hardly knew them, but I've never seen anyone look so beaten up inside. I had too look away, because their eyes were giving away something they didn't want to say. Not out loud.

CS: I don't want to know.

They didn't have to tell me. I figured it out. But there was some doubt lingering, like maybe, just maybe I was wrong. Please let me be wrong. My head was feeling cloudy.

SR: She's gone.

The last bit of hope fell away when I heard those words. Tiny white dots appeared in my vision. I could see Ben's dad's face, then increasingly more dots.

Ben started assertively speaking.

BR: Agnes, could you come in here for a minute?

White and black dots, tiny patterns. Taking over my vision. Beautiful chaos. An electric smell. My face was numb. I was thinking about my numb face when I fainted and hit the floor. I don't know why I remember that.

I awake in the chair. My head stings and throbs. I feel pressure in my heart but I don't want to cry. I feel like there's something to do, that I can't let go yet. I hold it in.

I walk over to Ben's room, giving an assuring nod to Ben's parents on the way. The nurses are leaving the room as I enter. He's looking to his left, out the window. It's night, and you can see some of the skyline. As I get a closer, I can see that his eyes are welling up with tears, and he blinks them away. I think he sees my reflection in the dark window and turns to look at me. He looks worse emotionally than physically.

I speak softly.
CS: Hey.

He hesitates to speak. I suppose he's thinking. I wish he hesitated longer. He speaks quite slowly and quietly.

BR: Do you remember when I said I wish I believed in heaven so I could join Agnes?

CS: Yeah.

BR: Well now I wish there was a hell so I could pay for what I did to my little girl.

I can't talk.

BR: You know... your first child... there's something so special about your first. We had a bond. It was unlike anything I've ever known. It felt spiritual or something. I cared about her so much... When I woke up in the car... she was on her knees in front of the seat beside me. I thought it was weird that she was in the front seat. She's never in the front seat. I was dazed, and I couldn't figure out how she got there. I didn't really know we crashed even. What a weird way to sleep, I thought. I should wake her up and put her in the back seat, so she's not sore when she wakes up. I called her name real quiet. Izzy... Izzy...

What he said next frightened me a bit. He looked back to the window and said quite demandingly,

BR: Izzy! Izzy! Get down from there right now!

He paused. He started speaking as he was before, but I was having trouble paying attention because that episode caught me off guard. He just continued where he left off.

BR: ...and she didn't wake up. So I brushed her cheek, and right away I got worried. I went to turn her face towards me and...

I did not want to imagine what she looked like lifeless.

CS: Please... stop.

BR: oh...

He waited before speaking again.

BR: I saw Agnes. It was her there, looking back at me. But she wasn't dead. She was... crying. I stared at her face. Her face was saying 'how could you?' I just felt it, you know? I could see in her eyes that 'we', what made us one when she was alive, was broken. I broke it. And Agnes was gone, and I stared at the back of my little girl until help came. I saw what was most precious to me, taken away. I remembered her face, every freckle, her fine hair, and her tiny ears and cute nose. Her eyebrows, her chin, her mouth. I remembered her exactly as she was. I watched as they took her out of the car and... saw what I did to her...

CS: Really, please don't.

He cried these words
BR: I hurt her so bad, Craig. I'm so sorry...

Nine

Ben phoned me up today. It was nice to hear from him.

BR: Hey, how're ya doin'?

CS: How you been?

BR: Ehh. Y'know. Hey, can you come over and give me a hand today? I've got the kids, because my parents couldn't watch them. Plus I think they're trying to ween me back into fatherhood again.

CS: Sure, when?

BR: Umm, now?

CS: I'll be right over.

It was raining on the way over. I got to his house and knocked. Ben answered with their (I guess his) youngest, Ajax, now two,  in his arms. Ben didn't look great, but he looked better than the last time I saw him.

BR: C'mon in. Thanks for coming.

CS: No problem. Anytime.

BR: Izzy! Craig is here!

Most kids don't really care much for me, but for some reason, even though I don't see them much, Ben's kids seem to like me a lot. I don't know what it is.

CS: Hey Ajax how are you?

Ajax didn't respond, and seemed a bit shy.

BR: He's tired. I'll put him down, if you wanna go find Izzy. I think she's in the basement.

CS: Sure thing.

As I headed through the house, which was much cleaner, I might add, I heard Ben getting some milk for Ajax's nap. I went to the basement, following the sound of some kids show, that sounded Slavik, probably one Agnes' mom brought from the Czech Republic. I was pretty happy to hear it, because they always have cool cartoons in that country.

CS: Hello? Izzy?

Nothing. My kids get hypnotized by the TV too. She wasn't in the TV room, so I looked around a little bit. She was in the other room with the plastic kid's kitchen set.

CS: Hi Izzy. How are you?

IR: Hi Craig.

She smiled. What a sweetheart.

CS: Well you're sure happy. What are you doing that's so nice, huh?

IR: Mama's teaching me to cook 'knedliky'.

CS: Uh...

It took me a second to process that.

CS: That is nice. Can I try one?

IR: Oh no. They're much too hot.

CS: When will they be ready?

IR: I don't know. Ask mama.

I didn't really want to ask this.

CS: Where's mama?

Ben came up behind me.

BR: Why did you ask her that?

Izzy didn't answer, and kept pretending to make the food, handing things to what I assume was her imaginary mother. Ben didn't see it, since I was in the doorway.

I heard Ajax screaming upstairs. Ben went to check on him.

CS: Need a hand Ben?

BR: No, I'll be right back.

Izzy brought me over some make-believe food.

IR: Here you go. Be sure to blow on it.

CS: Ok.

I did, and pretended to eat it and enjoyed it in an over the top way. She laughed.

IR: Craig. Is my daddy going to die?

What do I do? My immediate thought is to say no, just to ease her mind, but maybe she's too smart for that. If she asked me the same question about her mother a year ago, I'd have said no then too, and I'd have been wrong. But I can't exactly say yes either.

CS: Not for a long time, sweetie.

IR: Okay.

And she went back to pretending to work. I decided to leave her to it, and went upstairs to find Ben.

He was coming down from the second floor as I entered the living room.

BR: Ok, so what were you asking her down there?

CS: Well, I think she's got an imaginary friend. And I think it's Agnes. I asked her what she was doing and she said her mama was teaching her to cook something. So I asked her where mama is, but she didn't answer.

He looked at the floor and sat down on the couch.

BR: This isn't fair.

CS: What do you mean?

BR: Well, maybe you should sit down too.

CS: Uh, okay...

I sat in the chair beside the couch. The furnace kicked in during the silent moment before he spoke again.

BR: I have some bad news.

He was choking on the words. His face was grimaced and he was grinding his teeth a little bit. He breathed in and spit out the words in a remarkably normal way, considering what they were.

BR: I have stomach cancer... Really bad.

Eight

I called up Ben. There was a little forced small talk, then things got deeper.

BR: Where do you go after you die? Is it like the blackness you get when you get hit in the head too hard and everything shuts off? Do you get some sort of tunnel vision where you're drawn towards a light?

CS: I don't know. I wonder that myself.

BR: Is there really a heaven?

CS: Maybe.

I wasn't sure what to say. It's hard to be sure footed in your beliefs when you're faced with something serious. I haven't studied enough of that stuff to have a concrete answer. I don't know if we're supposed to have a concrete answer.

CS: Do you think there is? Did Agnes?

BR: She did, yeah.

He said it emphasizing on the word 'she' that made it sound like he didn't believe it.

CS: Do you think she believed she was going there, after...?

BR: Right. Yeah. I think so.

I don't know why I asked the next question.

CS: Do you?

It just hung there. For too long. I knew the answer before he said it.

BR: No.

There was a silence.

BR: Before the funeral, when she was... in her casket? I... held her hand. I touched her face... I looked at her for a long time, you know? The muscles in her face... she looked different. Her hand wasn't just cold. It was like it had fallen asleep. I just sat there and held her hand for a long time. I don't know. Her hands were always so pretty. I wanted so badly for it to change from what it was back to her warm, soft touch. Whatever it was that made her Agnes - her self, I dunno, her...I didn't know how alive she was until she wasn't anymore. Her... body... laying there wasn't an empty shell. It was never enough to hold her in the first place. The whole house wasn't enough to hold her. It still smells like her. That's all that lingers now. Pretty soon that house is going to be as lifeless as she was that day. Cold. Asleep.

I could hear him quietly crying agonizing tears through the phone.

BR: You know, I wish I believed in heaven. Because then I could join her.

He hung up. I knew I needed to call him back soon.