Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I went to Ben's parent's house today, to see Ben and Ajax, to see how they're doing. It's been about a month since Ben got out of the hospital. Ajax is doing pretty good, all things considered. I'm sad to report that he's a little afraid of his dad, who is still prone to outbursts aimed at people who are no longer with us. But he's getting along great with Ben's parents, and even with me, which is refreshing.

About Ben... he's got good days and bad days, but unfortunately, on the good days, he's usually got to go to the hospital for something, whether it's car crash or cancer related. He decided to go for chemo treatment as soon as he is fit enough. I didn't think he would. I thought he would spiral into depression with all that happened. Especially with how he behaved at Izzy's funeral. But I can't really bring myself to talk about that yet. Maybe later on.

I remember why I started this record, because of how in love Ben and Agnes were, but I came across a note Ben had written, I think it was in the box of stuff from the crash that his dad handed him shortly after he got out of the hospital. I felt bad for reading his private stuff, but he didn't protest. He wasn't really present yet.

It read:

"I was looking into the toilet today, it seems that's the window into my soul. My kids... I'm a crappy father, but I love them. My parenthood is a mixture of desperately trying not to be a terrible father, peppered with occasional moments where I get it right, but those moments seem to make it all worthwhile. I'm racked with guilt with how I treat the kids, how they love their mom way more than me. There are times when I want to shudder, roll my eyes back and pull out my hair and keep pulling it out and pulling it out... My thoughts get pretty dark at night, but I try to keep to myself. I... can't let her into this. Agnes wouldn't understand. She's perfect, she can't understand how twisted and broken I am, how my heart and soul are just a melted blob of cold, dirty lead inside me. It's that need I have, to be loved by the kids I love so much, to try to please the wife I treasure, it's because of them that I simultaneously want to end my life, and want to keep trying to live it. I try to fill the ache with stuff I buy, things I watch, alcohol, but it just turns into a landfill, and brings me further and further and further... down. It's out of my hands now. Now I mostly hide, cowardly. Craig wants to write about how in love we are, how perfect we have it, but he has no idea or insight. That's who I was, but I'm dying inside now. Where did I go wrong?"

It was dated shortly before I started interviewing them.

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